Shelbyopolis

Casey & Pete

2011-09-28T07:20:00.000-04:00

My proudest recent achievement is getting a rather shy dog to play with another dog (aside from her brother)! Casey is a rescue whose past is a mystery and she looks to her brother Pete for guidance at all times. If Pete goes outside, Casey is right behind him! Usually with a dog that is shy with other dogs, I can get them to play simply by engaging them in play with me. I wiggle my “tail”, do a playful little hop near them and give them a little scratch under the ear. Usually this is all they are looking for and the dog will give me a play bow or get right to engaging me in play. From there, it’s an easy transition for them to play with another dog.

Siblings stick together!

Casey is also shy with people, so she wasn’t receptive to my play advances. She sat there and looked at me like I had lost my mind (which is honestly how most people must look at me when they see me playfully bouncing around with the dogs!). Rather than trying again and making her more uncomfortable, I decided to make use of her relationship with Pete. Pete is much more playful and sociable, so I engaged him in play and got him a little excited no problem! Pete and Casey then started to play with each other and I made sure to give them plenty of space so as not to interfere with a good thing!

Pictured: A good thing.

I repeated this process a couple of times, giving them breaks in between play sessions so as not to force it. A few minutes later, Casey started to play with another dog! She didn't start playing her tail off for the rest of the day or anything like that, but for a dog in her situation, playing with a new dog for five minutes is huge progress! It is important to always keep in mind that breaking a habit takes time and consistency; it is rare to stop a habitual behavior overnight and any progress is a great achievement for a dog! The more I am able to engage Casey in play, the more she will start to play on her own, but she most likely won't start to play on her own until she has more practice playing than not playing. I told her owner about it at the end of the day and she was so excited! As it turns out, Casey only plays with Pete ever. This includes when they bring them to the dog park and other dog-friendly events! I look forward to working with her more and getting her out of her shell to play!

Dog Background

2011-09-22T13:30:00.001-04:00

I was an animal freak from the day I was born. I loved all animals and it was my dream to become a veterinarian. As I grew older, I realized I wanted to help animals mentally rather than physically and chose to not pursue a degree in animal medicine. After some research and a dead end kennel job, I learned that there is very little money to be made in the pet industry outside of the veterinary field. As I needed to support myself, I decided to go to school for Interior Design, another passion of mine. It soon became apparent that I still needed a job to live while I earned my degree. I scored a job doing Doggie Day Care, which sparked my interest in dog behavior and social groups. I then scored a job at a larger Doggie Day Care with a philosophy grounded in utilizing behaviorism in play groups to provide safe, happy play.

Emphasis on happy in this case!

Flash forward to today and I am now so obsessed with working with dogs that there are some days that I don't know if I prefer Design or Dogs more for a career! I have read several books and articles on dog behavior and still expand my knowledge by reading more every day! I have over a year of experience in dog behavior and over three years overall experience with dogs and I would just like to say, it's addicting!

Or it could be the cute factor that's so addicting!

My favorite thing about working with dogs is helping them with their behavior problems. We do not allow dog or people aggressive dogs or dogs that are simply far too overwhelmed by a larger group of dogs, so I do not have any experience with severe cases of behavior problems, but I have gotten very good at helping mild cases! I look forward to work every day because I’m always meeting new dogs and learning new things!

Holy Update, Batman!

2011-06-24T23:27:00.001-04:00

So, you may have noticed that my last post was a bit indecisive. I was having a difficult time sorting out what I wanted to do in life, facing a proverbial crossroads and angry that there just isn't enough time to be everything and do everything. I am a perfectionist, and as such, I am terrified of being wrong or failing, so making a decision about life was a terrifying prospect.

Thankfully, time has passed and I have everything (mostly) sorted out! Currently I'm going to school for Interior Design part time, where I can look forward to doing amazing things like this:

I also work full time between two jobs; one where I do receptionisty things for an amazing group of professionals at my school and the other doing doggy day care at a very progressive place with a bunch of fellow animal people! Oh and plenty of adorableness like this:

I'm also learning to get over my need to be perfect and have discovered a new mantra:

-Shelbis

It's ironic

2010-06-22T11:00:00.002-04:00

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

It's ironic
the things I started writing years and years ago and then abruptly stopped at the crucial moment!

"Will power is a myth. Program your life so that it carries you in the right direction even when you don't feel like it."
-Dr. Phil

I want to be so many things, but there seems to be so little time-everything seems to take 3x longer than it should.

Why do I have to be just one thing? I am so against labeling, categorizing and pigeonholing, yet I seem in such a hurry to do so with myself. I want to be a guitarist, an author, a clothing designer, an interior designer, a fashion designer, a wife, a mom, a teacher, a student, a chef and everything else under the sun. Determined to choose just one and unable to do so, I doom myself before I even begin and become paralyzed with indecision. I shut down and either a)do a billion random things and stay up so late I can barely function the next day or b) curl up in bed and sleep and brood for hours on end. I could analyze the situation much more extensively, but I feel that this covers the main issue.

To solve this problem of incorrect thinking and expectations, I have decided not to become obsessed with and great at only one thing, nor obsessed with everything and attempting to juggle it all, but rather to be the best person I can be.

Showing Story AP English 11

2010-06-22T10:59:00.002-04:00

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Showing Story AP English 11
Owning a lining of greasy, slime-entrenched fatty tissue of the yellowest in color and secreting a permanently penetrating noxious fume that assails the nostrils of any who dare inhale the tiniest gasp of air, the unconscious carnivorous man's colon is barely visible to the human eye in most places on account of his fondness for the flesh of various other mammals, particularly those with a fat to muscle ratio equal to that of his or higher. Being eighty percent homegrown fat himself, it is quite a wonder where he obtains such meat, let alone how his colon has been able to withstand such a beating for the past forty-two and a half years while such gluttony still reigns supreme over the doubly obese man's life. Anticipating a long night awaiting him, the head doctor orders the nurse to hand him his scalpel; the unhealthy habits of the man lying on the operating table before him have caused his colon to be stretched out, scarred and infected beyond all repair. A colonoscopy is no longer feasible to perform on a colon so near to the point of rupturing; an emergency colon transplant is in order.

The Only Song I Ever Wrote-Country Style

2010-06-22T10:58:00.002-04:00

Saturday, December 26, 2009

The Only Song I Ever Wrote-Country Style
Excited?

Coming soon

Coming Out Of The Closet

2010-06-22T10:56:00.000-04:00

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Coming Out Of The Closet
Current mood:Humorous
Staring at my square Wendy's cheeseburger, I choked back tears. Hungry as I was, I could not bring myself to eat, or even look at it, anymore. I quickly wrapped it back up in the shiny silver foil and attacking my fries, I cautiously blanked my expression as my small, discreet grandmother made her way back from the bathroom. She was permanently preoccupied, perhaps with lists or memories, but I knew she was on to me. This had been going on for weeks and it was increasingly difficult to hide, since we went out to dinner all the time. Soon I would have to come out and tell her my dirty little secret: I was a closet vegan.
     I'd been taking to hiding it because I knew that everyone thought it was abnormal and I was weird enough as it was-not for any specific reason, I've just always been one of those people cut out of a different mold and just this side of crazy. Back then, I was sensitive about being different and I didn't want to be singled out and treated differently, which I knew would happen if I drew attention to my herbivorous ways (to this day, I start to cry if someone makes a big deal out of me). I wanted to be vegan in peace, which in turn meant being vegan in secret. Hiding my desire to avoid consuming animals really shook me up at the end of each day because in front of everyone, I would fake being a meat eater. I sat on that hard plastic chair in the middle of Wendy's dining area and could only think of the young cow that the burger I ordered, the one I was holding and had taken a couple of tentative disgust-filled bites of in order to keep up appearances, used to be. I would see this beautiful, friendly cow in my mind and brim with shame and sorrow at destroying it's life, although I hid it the best I could.
     The regret I felt from eating meat prompted me to come up with some more clever strategies. I would squish my burgers up as small as I could get them and crumple the wrapper over the crushed remains, making it seem like I had scarfed them down in the time it took my grandma to grab me some extra ketchup. Other times, I would just pretend I wasn't hungry for lunch/dinner/whatever and just snack on non-meat items later. One particular time, I was almost trapped. A neighbor made my brother and I meatball subs and then continued to cook himself one right behind us, chatting away the whole time. Luckily, my brother is deft with a fork; he quickly stabbed and devoured each meatball on my sub, one at a time, whenever our host wasn't looking. I happily pretended like my bun with sauce was still full of meatballs as I polished off the remainder of it.
     When being secretive and sneaky brought up too many questions and became too stressful, I sat my father and grandmother down and told them.
     "Oh my gosh, I thought you were going to say you were pregnant!", my grandmother exclaimed anxiously.
     "I just thought she was going to say she was gay!", my father belted out obnoxiously.
How anticlimactic.

Thoughts After Another Dakota Fanning Movie

2010-06-22T10:55:00.002-04:00

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Thoughts After Another Dakota Fanning Movie
Category: Life
I am beginning to believe that every story a person learns is related back to their lives. This could be because people are self-centered, or it could be that the story was intended to be relatable, to be a stepping stone for people along their paths in life. Stories bolster the soul, they show me that escaping from life for a little while can be a way to relate back to it. They bring me to my deep points and show me a way out of it.
Along my way I have stumbled and become confused about what to do about a situation, an emotion, the past, all sorts of things in all flavors, shapes and sizes. My confused mind sees a mess and becomes fearful and overwhelmed. I understand now that I do not give it time to come to the realization that it is all right- that everything is repairable and nothing is forever.

Another Break!

2010-02-16T13:25:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Another Break!
Current mood: chill
We all know what this means!! Time for some goals!!!!

1) Get some glossies from the kennel printed up.

2) Get new doors and paint for za kennel!

3) Decorate my bulletin board

4) Blog up my writings

5) Commission my engagement/wedding ring set

6) Clean my freakin hovel-looking apartment!

7) Go out to lunch with Gma and Aunt Sue

8) Have dad and gma over for dinner (even if it's only take-out!)

9) Fix my music situation

10) Really get more dedicated to my religion

11) Work on scholarships
That's good enough

Monkey Job Thoughts-written sometime back at Erwin's

2010-02-16T13:24:00.002-05:00

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Monkey Job Thoughts-written sometime back at Erwin's
How do they translate it, what they feel, what they wish to express, into their mediums? Do they analyze how they precisely want to say something and then meticulously choose how to symbolically represent it? Are there countless hours of analyzing and editing, just to get the message perfect? Or is that the language they speak? Does a painter feel in color, a sculptor feel in shapes, a singer dream in notes? I think it's high time to find out. Personally, often things get too cluttered up in the brain, the thoughts become congested. My body has far too much energy for me, it's always trying to jump, dance, bounce, express while my head is ready to nod off. Fortunately, they team up well enough to solve all issues.

My body does well jumping around, but it also releases a lot of creative energy by sitting and writing or drawing. When my brain is too jumbled up with all of these thoughts and ideas, creative urges, problems, plans, observations, to dos, the thoughts begin to race around my head like a great whirlwind, blowing far too fast for me to focus on. The reason I am so passionate about writing and drawing is because they are the only way I can get that out, the thoughts swirling around so overwhelmingly, I can't verbalize what I have going on up in my brain. The only way it will put itself in some sort of order is in writing. Perhaps it's because I spent my life reading other's expressions through books and seeing them in my mom's paintings, not hearing them. People's mouths seem to deceive, many times things are twisted up or don't come out as they meant them. I feel there is more room for explanation in writing.

I must admit, however, that I have tried to stray away from writing when trying to communicate with others; although I love to write, I feel that there is more power in the spoken word. I also feel that if you need to say something to a person, it appears more sincere out loud, not to mention that the pen is safer, it takes a lot more balls to say something difficult than it does to prepare a note or letter about it. I'm a very sensitive person when I'm dealing with someone I care about, so maybe I write partially to be less vulnerable. What I have been doing recently is figuring out what I want to say by writing about it, then talking to whomever about whatever issue was going on.

Writing is very comforting and soothing to me, hopefully it will help me cope here. Work is unbearable to me. It's very cushy, not much work for the same pay as the kennel, but I have so much more potential than that. I'm so thankful for those angels that appear in my life and remind me of that. I've just got to get out of here!

Dumbest Thing Ever. Again.

2010-02-16T13:23:00.000-05:00

Friday, August 14, 2009

Dumbest Thing Ever. Again.

Attention

2010-02-16T13:22:00.001-05:00

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Attention
Category: Friends
Being a dreamer lends the appearance of being out of touch with reality and surroundings. The truth of a dreamer is a closer connection to human emotions, desires and holes. So often people feel isolated, alone and unheard. Many, many times people reach out or speak up in an attempt to connect only to be met by blank gazes, distracted tones and surface chit-chat. It's surprising (how one convo can unzen you)

New Summer Goals! Suckawhat?!?!!

2010-02-16T13:21:00.005-05:00

Friday, May 22, 2009

New Summer Goals! Suckawhat?!?!!
Category: Life
1) Paint nails at least 5 different colors.

2) Raise at least $1,450 dollars in scholarships.

~~3) Get 2nd summer job. (and third, and fourth...)~~

~~4)Get Doodles healthy.~~

5) Get health insurance.

6) Begin working towards leadership certificate.

~~7) Start organizing club.~~

8) Learn to play guitar.

The Most Ridiculous Thing I've Ever Heard

2010-02-16T13:21:00.002-05:00

Saturday, April 25, 2009

The Most Ridiculous Thing I've Ever Heard
McDouble.

How To Appear Neurotic #1

2010-02-16T13:20:00.002-05:00

Friday, April 24, 2009

How To Appear Neurotic #1
Write the same phrase over and over again, filling up an entire sheet.

Occapella the Doug theme song in the office, again and again.

Systematically remove and restraighten labels on 372 envelopes.

Catalogue your neurotic behavior in a blog.

Laugh out loud for apparently no reason.

Laugh way too hard and way too long when given a reason.

Flatten the same peeling mini Post-it 30 times a day.

Print two copies of EVERYTHING.

"End road work? How am I supposed to do that?! I'm just a kid!"

2010-02-16T13:20:00.000-05:00

Friday, December 26, 2008

"End road work? How am I supposed to do that?! I'm just a kid!"
I'm making some goals. When I accomplish these marvelous goals, I'll ~~strikethrough it like this~~, aight?

Here goes:

1)Meditate (almost)every night
2)Do yoga (almost)every morning
~~3)Quit letting so much stupid shit bother me.~~
4)Get a professional massage
5)Get that kitten
6)Play some quality Halo 2 on Live with Geoffey
~~7)See Nacho Libre!!~~
8)Play more Soul Calibur
9)End my Mountain Dew addiction
10)Actually sleep at night on occaision
11)Learn how to ollie
~~12)Get some sunglasses~~
13)Go to the Van's Warped Tour on my birfday!
14)Visit Farm Sanctuary
~~15)Visit my mommy~~
16)Get as skinny as I was last summer
17)Read at least a quarter of the books my mom gave me
18)Get some kickin Captain Planet merch
19)Meet Dane Cook
20)Go to at least three protests
21)Pay off half mah debt
22)Pimp out my room
23)Get my license
24)Get the fuck OUT of my house!
25)Get a laptop (for college of course...)
26)Make my garden ROCK!
27)Get back to the earth
28)Write a 'fictional' book about Arby's
29)Train for track
30)Help build a house with Habitat for Humanity
31)Hit up a few flea markets with my Nadine
32)Plan ahead occaisionally
33)Draw like a feind.
34)Get Marisol's # so I can call her when I get my cell on the 3rd.
35)Help.

I slept all day

2010-02-16T13:17:00.003-05:00

Thursday, December 25, 2008

I slept all day
and thus, I will stay up all night! Because who doesn't want to be a zombie on Christmas Day? I sure as hell do! I will stay up and rock out to music whilst preparing resumes and cover letters, really honing my job hunt. Then, I will get ready to go to Brian's very early. Then I will most likely pass out despite my attempts to stay up and wake up when Brian arrives. It is very bizarre not being able to go to work. I'm getting a bit stir-crazy. Blah blah blah blah blah.

Psychosomatic, bitches!

2010-02-16T13:17:00.001-05:00

Monday, November 24, 2008

Psychosomatic, bitches!
I suffer from constant exhaustion, disorientation, dizziness, and overall spaciness. Medical testing and examinations have conclusively found that I am very physically healthy and that there is no medical reason for me to feel the way I do. They asked me things about my past, like if I ever have flashbacks from my abuse, etc. This leads me to believe that I have something unresolved in my subconscious that is causing me this trouble

APE11 04/05 Practice 1

2010-01-29T12:45:00.002-05:00

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

APE11 04/05 Practice 1
In Igor Stravinsky's passage on orchestra conductors, he uses language and rhetorical devices to convey his view of them. He seems to dislike and look down upon conductors, inferring that they lower the quality of both the music and the audience. As he continues, his piece becomes more of a caution to true music lovers than simply a discussion about conductors.

Stravinsky's use of the words "politics" and "actors" when describing orchestra conductors shows his opinion that conductors don't need to be, and usually aren't, skilled at their professions, they are merely pretending to be so, it is simply a facade. He backs up this assertion rhetorically in a small aside saing that reveiwerws describe his appearance and gestures, forgetting altogether the music and how he makes it sound. This shows that a conductor's role has been changed from actually directing the music to simply pleasing the audience with his gentlemanly dress and pleasant demeanor, just like actors and politicians. The role of conductors as actors and politicians draws people who are not interested in music, but appearances and shows, thus declining the quality of the audience.

Other words Stravinsky uses to express his perspective are "egotistical", "false" and "cult." These words show the opinion that conductors are something to be looked down upon, that they are the court jester of society. "Egotistical" and "false" are traits that are looked down upon in society, these are things associated with criminals and ne'er do-wells. "Cult" makes conducting look like a popular fad, something not to be taken for truth, but to sometimes be taken seriously, as it can be dangerous. In this case, the cult of conducting is leading to the demis of music, something a conductor like Stravinsky would care very much about. The opinion is reinforced in his repetition of the word great put in quotation marks. While the word great is usually associated with something that is wonderful, the use of quotation marks shows that it is not the way he feels; in fact, it is the opposite of what he thinks. Stravinsky feels that conducting is not great, but instead a horrible thing to be done away with if it will not serve its true purpose to direct the music to its correct meaning and representation. He warns those who, "are able" to listen not to attend such concerts, as conductors ruin the music.

Guess What?

2010-01-29T12:27:00.003-05:00

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Guess What?
No, I won't do it, tempting as it is. Was going to blog, going to Brian's instead. Pce.

U of Thursday biatches!

2010-01-29T12:27:00.001-05:00

Friday, August 29, 2008

U of Thursday biatches!
Over here at the U of Thursday with my love, I am totally pretending to be a transfer student and getting away with it. Free water bottle, hooray! This campus kicks butt and just excites me so much about starting at MCC. I feel like people are more open minded and not so scared of how they appear. Already we met a girl who wasn't weirded out by us, and I hope that it's an indicator of things to come. I really enjoy the people I can talk to without getting funny looks or having the conversation steered their way, and I look forward to connecting to more. Also, my classes are fucking awesome! I read most of my history text already and look forward to my psych book. Nicki is super stoked to be going here, the atmosphere is just comfortable and very unsnooty without a hint of pretension. It has some very inspiring architecture to boot (pictures soon to follow). Super glad I came, can't wait to get out of the paycheck to paycheck drudgery! :D :D

Last Night

2010-01-29T12:25:00.001-05:00

Monday, August 25, 2008

Last Night
I had a dream last night, I was cooking some....roast beef? in a glass pan, and I made something else as well, and I put it through the dishwasher to cook it, but I forgot to make sure that there wasn't any detergent in it, so halfway through I realized it and opened it up. The meat was at the bottom of the washer under a grate, so I took of the grate to fish out the meat. When I took it off, the washer turned into a fridge and I found a turtle down in the bottom of it-just like the ones in cartoons, but not an actual cartoon. It crawled right out of there and let me pick it up. It was big, and it said something to me-I don't remember what, but I remember it's voice was sort of creaky, not old, but sort of like a parrot. Then I put it down and let it walk about the house-it kept switching between my dad's house and someone else's, and I remember telling and showing someone it. It left me with a happy, adventurous feeling, holding it.

Earlier in the dream, I had been climbing a wall made of pavers and a long log-length piece of brick fell out of it as I was walking on it and I had to jump off of it. A black lady was walking by with her young black son and told him that's why he should be careful. She gave off a kind feeling too. If I pay attention, I should be able to gather something from this. How marvelously absurd the subconcious is.

LOVER!!!

2010-01-29T12:21:00.001-05:00

Saturday, August 23, 2008

LOVER!!!

Nicki I love you my bff (that's pronounced sort of like biff). Is it schoache, or skoche? Muahaha!

Also, fuck facebook, it is my ethical duty to delete mine, fecking asshole nerds taking over the world with their slimeball ethics...

Perspective!

2010-01-29T12:20:00.000-05:00

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Perspective!
Current mood: excited
Damn, I love my friends, there's nothing better to cure a case of idiocy. :) My one friend is very correct, it's hard to be straight up yourself around your friends sometimes, it took another friend to trigger that part of me to realize that. I always feel like he's testing me, even if he's not and that's just the role I give him, that's how it plays out. He challenges me and I falter, which shows me oh so much. This reiterates to me that I need to remain single; I have a strengthy individualist nature when I am with just me, but in a relationship I lose that tenacity. I drop my passions and am unable to stand up to criticisms out of fear of losing that person-this is the point where I play the executioner of my own happiness-hello, defense machanism I never let myself realize!
Even writing now, I am scared of this vulnerability and even of writing about it. The funny thing is, this muat have worked for me, I've never really been in many short-term relationships and I've never really been out of a relationship. So here is my friend that I am cukoo for cocoa puffs over and he shows me possibly my biggest hindrance in life. It scares me to the depths the he just doesn't care about me, and it has me second guessing everything, overanalyzing and even doubting my friendships.
This is very frustrating because it's a very large part of my past I have not overcome, when I had thought I had left it behind. I have a dysfunctional family, and while now we're trying to make it work, up until recently, things were very different. I felt unloved and disliked by my family, who I had thought were supposed to be the closest to me. Then I came to realize that they really don't understand me at all, which hurt worse; at the time, I felt they didn't care enough to even bother, they had deemed me unworthy. It seemed that as long as I made no trouble, I was not considered; overlooked. In school, I noticed this too, the quiet girl with the good grades gets forgotten when the teacher makes groups for the big Toronto field trip; the teacher forgets to make her the end of the year gift for all of the students. I was stupid to take that personally; I knew they cared, but it was just more data to back up the message from home: I was not worth caring about, not important enough for someone to want to know. Whether this impression was valid and the actual message they were sending me or if it was just a construct in my mind manufactured from being the fourth one down in a family that transplanted more times than I had birthdays, I don't know. The feeling was there, and my depression wasn't too helpful in putting perspective on things.
When I reached ninth grade my depression was at it's worst, and I relied heavily on my friends to get me through it. I thank God for Anna and Stephanie, they gave me an escape and saved my life endless times just by extending their hospitality, I knew what would happen if I went home, it just got worse every night. Emily was a bright spot in my days, I felt so close with her and she made me see that I was nowhere near as alone as I thought I was. And Geoffey could cheer Eeyore up, but he's practical on top of that.
Tenth grade I moved again, where Joe and Clayton (especially so these two), Sentiff and Matt and Logan were my boys, but I was on my own outside of school. I don't remember how, but i doscovered Buddhism at this point (actually, I think it was when my mom lent me "First you shave your head" ) and became much more self-reliant. I still had many issues, but I was recovering-eventually I stopped hurting myself altogether. A big reason for this was my decision to move to my dad's house. (My aunt was actual very helpful and instrumental at this time, everything I needed-an ear to listen to, ready to dispense advice and even help out when I had no food. I have yet to come up with a way to show my gratitude) Not that it was all that much better-but I had to stop drinking and smoking all the time, I knew I wouldn't be able to do it at home anymore. I had found my will to have a future and I knew I didn't have a chance at the party that was my mom's house. I'm very grateful for my time in Brockport, I truly came out of my quiet girl bubble world. Nobody knew me and I took great advantage of that, freely being myself and not really caring who thought what.
Having arrived at that point of self-love and expression was vitally helpful when I moved in with my father. What a change from when I was cute and daddy's little girl-there was so much pressure and tension in the air, it felt like I was living with an oppressive force being wrested upon me. I had stood up to my dad, the person who I had wanted to please the most when I was small. While there was always conflict and fights, I was happy that I had stayed true to myself. I thought I had overcome the bs fear of caring what anyone else thinks about me. But now I see I have not, so what am I to do?

DeeCee

2010-01-29T12:09:00.001-05:00

Thursday, July 17, 2008

DeeCee
Current mood: content

I love you.
Which is why I must never see you again
For my foolish heart will destroy me
It knows your true feelings for me,
Still holds onto our bond
Ready to forgive mountains of hurt
Just for some time with you
Demanding nothing, only wanting to nuzzle close to your soul
To know you.

I kick myself daily,
Not wanting to interfere with your relationship was a line of shit,
A rationalization to cover the truth
That I believed myself undateable,
A nut; so, not worth the trouble
If someone wanted to pursue me, fine,
But I would not wrest myself upon someone else,
I would not unleash that curse on someone that I cared for.

Instead I pushed my feelings aside,
Kept busy with people who didn't care for me like I wanted,
Stayed involved, as unavailable as you were
So now, well I got what I set out for,
Didn't I?
We're not together, nowhere near as
Close, as we once were
Hell, I find it hard to call us friends

I don't know where I stand,
While I regret not ever being with you,
It's what we had that I miss,
You were one of my best friends,
Closer than close,
Two of a kind and all that jazz.
All of it wiped away,
And I have no idea why.

My words, unable to be spoken,
Thrash around in my head
On a damned closed loop,
Doomed to replay until they are released
But they won't be, you've made certain
Playing the psych-out game
The big set up and let down

And I let you.
Every time,
I take the bait,
Knowing good and well
That's all it is
Yet I still let myself believe
This time
Yes, this time,
It will be different

So, it is not because you hurt me,
That keeps me from you,
But that I help you do it.

If Romeo can have Juliet,
Christina Ricci can have her Pumpkin,
And the tards can get married on their front lawn,
Then us
Being strangers
Is not fate
It's your choice

Are you afraid, mad, depressed?
I do not know
I will no longer ask why
There is no one to hear me
And no answer to receive
All that is left to do
Is get all musical on you
When I say
Goodbye, love

Unimportant and Insignificant

2010-01-29T12:08:00.002-05:00

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Unimportant and Insignificant
Current mood: dorky
The underlying feeling resurfaces. Maybe this is why I was always in my own world; when you get used to being around your friends you notice when they're gone. In many instances, I've done damages that seem irreparable; in others, I never did matter. I'm always trying to understand others and constantly discovering most don't understand me. It's an odd feeling, shuffling from town to town, always being the odd one out, that new kid, what's her deal, anyways?
In every town, I had my tight circle of friends, the ones up for endless amounts of hanging out and the peeps to really talk to, people I counted as my family. Now all those years of friendship seem like they were just a way to pass the time. The only time people have is for those in their daily lives, nobody bothers to make time. How woe is me and mopey, just call it forgotten kid syndrome or something. Realizing my relationships didn't really mean shit when I thought we'd always be tight just makes me feel valueless.

Best Week EVER!

2010-01-29T12:07:00.000-05:00

Monday, June 09, 2008

Best Week EVER!
Category: Life
So, y'all may or may not know this, but Missy and I have been looking for an apartment together; something we've intended to do ever since we were wee little lasses. And we have FOUND IT! A fecking gem! A 3 Bedroom in our old neighborhood for the same as all of the 2 bedrooms we've been looking at with beautiful hardwoods, massive closets, a SPECTACULAR kitchen with elegant red cabinetry and an old basin sink. Not to mention a classic-style soaker tub and free laundry and wi fi, with a backyard and porch swing!! I was so blown away by this place, Missy and I were smitten immediately! The landlord was pretty cool also, she has cats too and seems like an awesome hippie; she was laughing at me, I suppose my reaction was priceless...when she added the bit about laundry and wifi I actually exclaimed "What??!" I swear, my eyes must've been buggy. So we're all ecxited and filling out applications and getting ready to crunch some numbahs.
Also, we went out to java's and played some pool just the two of us, which was more fun than being with a big group just because it was different, we got a feel for each other's game (also, I figured out I'd been holding my pool stick wrong this whole time, whups!). Then we went out to the beach to celebrate, where we met up with Casey and Jordan and all of their friends. Casey and I caught up with each other and reconnected a bit, it was just really fun being with good people in the clean sand, listening to the sound of the waves, staring at the sky, hearing the wind in the trees....ah the hot hot heat.
Even the day before was awesome, Chaz and I went to the stables and hung out with the horses, which if you know me you know I'm an effing freak for animals, so I was right at home and had a great time being close to all ze horses. Then I was getting ready to be painting, when out of nowhere my fabulous friend Logan called me and invited me out for a night of pong that turned out to be a night of serendipity mixed with smoking and snakes killing my hand and pong. May I say, I love meeting people that I didn't know that I knew and seeing people I didn't know would be around. Glorious glorious week, this is how I love to live, good people, nature and being on my own! <3 life

Bananas In Pajamas

2010-01-29T12:05:00.001-05:00

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Bananas In Pajamas
Moving forward is marvelous. Fear is also really cool, it shows how much you really care. Anger as well, definately shows what's super important to you. Things I learn when I stop trying to fight, supress and hide my emotions. Yay, Buddhism!

Namaste, y'all!

You will most likely never ever read this, but never to Enya! Seriously...

2010-01-29T12:03:00.000-05:00

Endorphins, Son!

2010-01-29T11:55:00.002-05:00

Friday, April 18, 2008

Endorphins, Son!
Category: Life

What is up, gangsters? Feeling pretty alright, I'm still in the delusion that less sleep is better for me. I'm definately tired come bed time, I'm alert during the day and I still have a bunch of energy to work out and chill. The down side is I did have to crash out yesterday, I seem to get tired when I'm driving (yikes!). So tomorrow I'll try to catch up a little, but for now, kunkles.

I've got enough tension going on in my life, with quitting various things and whatnot, that I'm not really tired. It takes more and more exercise just to chill me out, so I can't really imagine getting a full decent night o sleep. This only comes up because I made a retard of myself today watching an Ellen Page movie, which I blame on a lack of sleep ;).

Missed Web* and my buddies tremendously, had an awesome fantabulous day hanging out, might have a place by the time I have some money (rock on!). Chill chill, crush crush crush, Live Fierce Fun. Goodnight <3 \/

I believe I know why people off themselves

2010-01-29T11:54:00.000-05:00

Monday, March 31, 2008

I believe I know why people off themselves
Category: Life

It’s not that they’ve got too much shit to deal with, their brains just can’t process whatever shit does happen. There’s just no getting a grasp of that brain, it moves too fast or something.

I’m bringing this up because I’m getting a very small sample of that right now, where my brain just can’t come to a consensus within itself on what it thinks/feels about what’s going on, I can’t make sense of anything. It won’t slow down long enough for me to process anything, but it’s not really going forward either, just one big, fast, triple-stack slot car marathon.

My inkling is it boils down to fear, my emotions are just more intense and felt than other people’s, I bond on a deep level with people, making the good stuff better and the hard stuff harder. I honestly don’t think I’m bothered by not being with him, it was truly overdue. What is really hurting deep down at the bottom is the realization that he was never there for me, that the feeling of being alone wasn’t in my head, it was true all along.

Being alone isn’t bad in my eyes, I’m social, but I never really depended on people for happiness. It’s just, I thought we were close....and we’re not. Total abandonment is what it feels like, or I guess that’s what it is. Me. And myself. Without any calls from him in almost a week. And calling him means getting blown off. What’s the lesser evil here? This is point break for me, I can’t even continue what might resemble a friendship here, it hurts to much to be sworn to that I’m important then promptly treated as if I am a persona non grata. It’s just not my style and nowhere near how I work. Hurt people hurt people, and I’m about ready to punch a hole through his self-centered universe. I’m becoming so much more violent, just because of how poisonous this all is. I’m a decent fucking person, and I deserve better than this bs. I’ve known that for a while, but I’ve never done anything to show it, so I guess this is step one. Time to take care of number one.

Damn this will be hard. It’s hardest when those you look to for comfort are the ones throwing monkey wrenches at your emotions. It’s not worth it to be upset, he’s really not at all, yet it’s still wrecking me. Maybe I just can’t understand how a year and a half doesn’t seem to mean shit, or how I never could realize how immensely little he really cared for me, both hit a sore spot. How could I have been such a terrible judge of character? And where the hell was my backbone during all of this? I’ve learned from the past few weeks, but I’m also building walls on the outside because of this, which I desperately don’t want. The last thing I need right now is to be isolated, but damn, defense mechanisms get to work fast!

I will attempt to be strong and a Buddhist warrior, I will sit with myself and my pain. I will heal, I won’t let one blind person destroy me, they have no idea what they fucked up. I love myself and that’s all I fucking need, I’ll have to work on the anger as I progress. In the meantime, my deepest apologies if you are a punching bag in the near future.

Pain.

2010-01-29T11:51:00.001-05:00

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Pain.
Current mood: depressed
What suffering it is to know that never again can you kiss the one you love, no longer can you fall asleep together, or even tell him you love him. With such pain I recall countless memories of us and try to convince myself that there is nothing I can do about it, so I have no reason to be upset. I know better, I can't simplify it and rationalize it just like that, because it hurts more intensely than even my most unsavory memories, it hurts so much that he just doesn't love me anymore. I don't even know what he thinks of me anymore, and the realization that he wants nothing to do with me is ripping me apart. I am nothing but a memory to the person that is the most important to me, I feel a sorrow tugging at me at all times that busywork, friends, and even weed can't alleiviate. It wrenches my heart just to talk to him on the phone or look at a picture of him, yet I act entirely casual now when we converse, dodging inqueries of "how are you" and acting as if we've always been just friends, as if he were Josh or Dan or Kyle. I act unaffected and as content with my life as possible because as much as it hurts to not be in a relationship with him, I know I won't be able to stand it if I can't even talk to him or see him. I haven't seen him since our relationship ended, and part of me is dreading it. I break down into tears after every phone call with him, and it's very difficult to act normal just to his ears, how will I do it to his face? Will my eyes give me away, or my mouth? I had a dream the night we broke up, and in it I knew we were over, but I forgot and started acting like I was still his girlfriend...I don't even know what the hell to think about that dream, but I keep having nightmares now and startling awake at least three times a night. I feel so pathetic, because the only thing I can think of in between those nightmares is how much I miss him and then I fall asleep again even more miserable. I digress a tad...one thing I'm terrified of is going to Josh's or something to chill with everyone and bursting into tears upon the sight of him. Who do I turn to in refuge of the person who was my refuge? I have no one I will open up to, and I cannot handle this pain. God, send me an angel.

For Shizzle

2010-01-27T23:53:00.001-05:00

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

For Shizzle
Current mood: sleepy
Tired. Sleep time after oh-so-long of a day. <3 an V, all. And listen to some Fenix TX, they're a part of a nutritious breakfast.

::Fay-gut...Faaaayy-guut...do you hate him, because he's pieces of you-u-uuuu::

;)

Blood Is Nothing.

2010-01-27T23:50:00.003-05:00

Monday, November 27, 2006

Blood Is Nothing.
Current mood: restless
In terms of marriage and sexual relations, blood is a significant something. Birth defects and the mental distortion one must have to consider that as an option are good indicators of that. In terms of family, being defined as those you share a love and trust with, it means absolutely nothing. I have never felt as disconnected from my blood family as I do now. While I have some fond memories with them that I will forever be grateful for, I know they're over, where everyone stands and who has decided to remain my family as well as who has decided to sever their ties. We've freed ourselves from each other, and as my parting gift, I intend to live life the way I want, be I right or wrong. I know my family. And I loves em. As for my blood, I'm sorry you couldn't see the real me, despite the fact that it's always been right there in the open. I love myself too much to give up my dreams in a vain attempt to be accepted. So good night all, may you follow your dreams and find your own happiness as well.

...hello.

2010-01-27T22:38:00.002-05:00

Monday, November 13, 2006

...hello.
Category: Life
Much goings on, no writing nor much time for that. Life has gotten very exciting recently however, and I felt the need to share for those of you that live vicariously through others...or at least those who still care. College is a friendship killer unless you both have a kung-fu grip on that relationship. Slight loosening on either side can cause irreperable damage if grudges over the loosening are formed. If they forget to hold on, bye bye. My lament of the day. Not having anything showed me who I can truly count on. It takes a good friend to be there for you through a tough time, especially when you haven't as much as spoken to each other in three years. It takes a truly caring and loving partner to forgive you and calm you down every time you get upset, even though you may not deserve it. People I used to spend hours talking to and hanging out with no longer have time for me, perhaps I am a distant memory? Whatever the case, I'm more focused on those who I have present in my life that show their love and on how I can ever thank them for being their wonderful selves and being there for me than on those who no longer bother with me.

So, in the temporary apartment right now. I'm uber excited for the new place, but simultaneously in love with this place. No, there isn't much room nor is there any food or heat (okay, we have heat, I'm just really cold at the moment), but this flat holds such meaning to me. It's my haven, the place I fled to from the clutches and insanity of my father and grandmother. I got my license here, drained my bank account lower than I've ever seen it, quit Arby's (my other torture-fast food is definately not my thing), got an awesome job as a salvager and applied to work at a gas station (self-service, the only time I be's outside is stogie breaks). While I've always had a fiercely independent spirit, I'm finally becoming technically responsible for myself, monetarily and all. Great luck being that I don't have to pay rent and I may be getting some financial assistance for food, I can start to save up my bling bling and make some wise investments, like a repair manual for my car and some shop lights for photo shoots. Of course, a small amount of fun money will be spent on my room once we get into the new apartment-I don't even have a desk, for Christ's sake-and I still have some money to pay back some peoples, but I should be able to hide myself away some emergency moolah which could turn into rent monay or new car monay if i don't have to tap into it. Hells, saving can't hurt any and I'ma need all the money I can make if I plan on opening my own gym, now don't I?

My baby is very pleased with his new piece, which by the way hits oh-so-smoothly, if I do say so myself. The work on resinating it is going very well, as it looks nothing like in the photo of myself holding it. It was a lime green and red with some orangeness to it, which is the color we thought it would turn out to be, but it's become more of a multitude of blue shades with some white and a teensy bit of red.Quite a trip to look at. Also, the carrying pouch works very nicely as a pillow and is amazing enough to protect the pipe even with the weight of my cranium on it. We're both simply enraptured by this piece.

My relationship with my father has even improved, alhough at this point it's a tentative improvement, as I no longer trust any friendly advances he makes. I had a phone conversation in which I did not end up crying, in an argument or loathing him. He was actually very nice, which is an uncomfortable luxury. I think he's starting to realize how hard I strive to be independent and make it that much farther still alive. My grandmother's been a help in pointing this out to him, so I suppose she'll definately get gifts and cards, maybe even in person. Nobody but myself probably got that last bit, but that's okay as I don't feel anyone shall read this, which I'm rather comfortable with.

The odd thing about wanting to be a Suicide Girl is that I've never wanted attention from the general populous, I have no desire to perform and look pretty for anyone. But then again, that's the point. Yes, I can be beautiful, but I'll be beautiful as myself, not dressed up as some sex toy. Beauty and strength are not opposites, but rather a perfect combination. I don't want to parade myself as a meat sack to be judged and given pretty tiaras or some oven mitts. I want to show myself as just that, nothing else. Myself. I want to show that beauty is not a weakness and that power and independence can come in a female form. The rose does not come without thorns.

I've got cabin fever...This is my SOS

2010-01-27T22:35:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

I've got cabin fever...This is my SOS
Current mood: restless
I have never been so bored IN MY LIFE!!!! Currently, the most I have to look forward to in any given day is going to work. Which is quite sad. There is the off chance that someone might visit me, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

Matt and Casey visited me last night, and to my relief there was no bloodshed or evil glares or what-have-you. So I had a few minutes of sanity. Texting helps. And I got to talk to MARISOL!!!! EXCITEMENT!!!!! Ah, the advantages of having mah very own phone that nobody can take away because I pay for it.

Nicki should be coming over tonight after I get out of work, so I should have some relief from my overseers here. They make me wish to be stupid. That way, their idiotic banterings would at least appeal to me. I swear, last night at my forced feeding with them, they spent half the time discussing if the beans in the soup were undercooked or not, and which variety in particular were undercooked. Save me, I'm having my IQ drained away!!!!! I do oh-so-solemnly swear that when i get out of here, I am under all circumstances going to avoid speaking or even contacting these pitiful puppets, dusty under the oppression of their fear of something new. My grandmother did let me play in the rain, however, so I just might send her a birthday present occasionally.

SUMMER!!

2010-01-27T21:34:00.000-05:00

Saturday, June 17, 2006

SUMMER!!
Current mood: sleepy
Category: Life
Yes, it is indeed that time of year again! Time for lots of sunshine, a kickin holiday, some sweet concerts and my birfday! Now that I can officially say this is summer for me (finals are OVER!!), I'm making some goals. When I accomplish these marvelous goals, I'll ~~strikethrough it like this~~, aight?

Here goes:

1)Meditate (almost)every night
2)Do yoga (almost)every morning
~~3)Quit letting so much stupid shit bother me.~~
4)Get a professional massage
5)Get that kitten
6)Play some quality Halo 2 on Live with Geoffey
~~7)See Nacho Libre!!~~
8)Play more Soul Calibur
~~9)End my Mountain Dew addiction~~
~~10)Actually sleep at night on occaision~~
11)Learn how to ollie
~~12)Get some sunglasses~~
13)Go to the Van's Warped Tour on my birfday!
14)Visit Farm Sanctuary
~~15)Visit my mommy~~
16)Get as skinny as I was last summer
17)Read at least a quarter of the books my mom gave me
18)Get some kickin Captain Planet merch
19)Meet Dane Cook
20)Go to at least three protests
21)Pay off half mah debt
22)Pimp out my room
23)Get my license
24)Get the fuck OUT of my house!
25)Get a laptop (for college of course...)
26)Make my garden ROCK!
27)Get back to the earth
28)Write a 'fictional' book about Arby's
29)Train for track
30)Help build a house with Habitat for Humanity
31)Hit up a few flea markets with my Nadine
32)Plan ahead occaisionally
33)Draw like a feind.
~~34)Get Marisol's # so I can call her when I get my cell on the 3rd.~~
35)Help.
More to be added.

"Oh, dear..."

2010-01-27T21:01:00.001-05:00

Monday, May 29, 2006

"Oh, dear..."
Current mood:Oh so pissed.
Category: Friends
Done with sad. Onto anger. Oh, lots of anger. Essentially, it goes like this: I've let myself become a tool, and for now I'm transferring my anger towards those that have used me. I do realize that it's my own fault that I let them take advantage of me, but as they were people I should be able to trust, I feel quite justified in wanting to break their faces. Hyperbole, people, the Buddhist doesn't believe in that. Thanks to Chris for the viewing of Revolver, a new concept to this is that your enemies hide in the last place you expect them and one of the best cons they can pull on you is making you think they're your best friends. Maybe, in some cases, they think they're your best friend too, but can't realize the harm they're doing. Like you, they think they're helping. Detachment is honestly the only way to be free of outside influence and find yourself. Where'd mine go? I'm not sure I ever really had it...

Can you say brainwashing? Wish I thought of that one myself.

2010-01-27T21:00:00.001-05:00

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Can you say brainwashing? Wish I thought of that one myself.
Current mood:Frreeee!
Category: Life
Life's cool. Betcha didn't know that. I'm kinda happy-no, I'm happy. Yays! Cuz ya know what? I'm actually finding people with the same views I have. It's a nice feeling to be able to actually talk about what I think on a deeper level about religion and personal ethics. I'm glad there are people out there that don't make me feel like my opinion just shouldn't be voiced or that I'm attempting to convert them to my ways. Life is about more than this trivial high school shit. Open your fuckin minds, cuz there's a hell of a lot more out there than your narrow-minded opinions. ::breakdances:: I wish I could do that... oh, and 'ave a nice day, 'k?

Not Still...

2010-01-27T20:56:00.001-05:00

Monday, February 27, 2006

Not Still...
Current mood:TRAPPED

I don't even want to write this, since it seems exactly the same as every other fed-up, ready to burrst rambling I've gone on. But then, there may be some significance in that. I can't even make sense of what's going on in my head, and I think I'm getting bent out of shape over nothing. Then again, as I think about it, it becomes a bigger deal than it initially seems. Basically, my complaint about myself is that I never get any work done. I spend most of my time trying to get myself to sit still enough and stay awake enough to do some stupid fucking work that doesn't take that long to do anyways. This is incredibly frustrating and I freak out after I'm sick enough of it, kind of like now. I can't seem to use my frustrations to fuel my work ethic, and this is driving me insane. Maybe it's because I have no idea as to what's going on in my mind that I have no control over it. I was just thinking and realized I had convinced myself that I had trapped myself into my whole little future plans and that upset me quite a bit. I know I'm free to choose my future and that it's not the end of the world if I change my mind. Well, that was simple. Sweet.

Something about shooting yourself in the foot...

2010-01-27T17:58:00.004-05:00

Monday, January 09, 2006
Something about shooting yourself in the foot...
Current mood:honestly? everything.

I honestly don't know, but people keep pointing out that I do it a lot. Namely family. Always family. Which is why they need to mind their own fucking business. I FUCKING KNOW! As if I'm too retarded to realize that doing some things is perhaps not in my best interest. So, until I've licked my wounds fully, I'm hibernating in my room. I'll just tuck into a little ball, crawl inside myself and die some more. Then perhaps I'll get pissed off to the point that I break everything in the fucking house. I am just SO fucking sick of this metaphorical river of shit, it makes me want to throw away every dream I've ever had and die from my body losing its entire will to breathe involuntarily. The irony behind the entire hyperbolic, emotionally-fucked rant here that lacks any characteristic of writing that is above that of a fourth grader in a lower income household is that I don't have a single clue as to what it is that bothers me. The really hilarious part is thatmy dad is more Buddhist than I am, which makes me a very sad specimen to regard, indeed. Theories on this, I have many. Answers I'm remotely close to or comfortable with, nada. Here's hoping that spring's better than fall, and that

I'll make it through the winter.

P.S.~If this makes sense to you, you are fucked.

:-\ :-/ :-| :-} :-] :-{ :-[ :o)

2010-01-27T17:57:00.002-05:00

Sunday, November 13, 2005

:-\ :-/ :-| :-} :-] :-{ :-[ :o)
Current mood: weird
"Sometimes it gets so hard, I just feel like letting it all go..."

Song by Everclear, but how I feel. Not in the sense that I just want to give up all of my dreams and waste away to nothing, but in the respect of the insignificant things. it's too hard to care about whether things are just as they should be or what little flaws I have that everybody should hate me for now or what certain people would think about my past. I'm done with it. I just don't care.

It makes me giggle now, because I just really truly don't. Thinking of my dad yelling at me just makes me laugh now. Life is too beautiful to let anyone's retardation stand in my way. Love you all, have a giggley day!

hells yea.

2010-01-27T17:56:00.000-05:00

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Current mood: determined
Bye, bye beautiful, don't bother to write
Disturbed by your words, and they're calling all cars
Face step, Let down
Face step, Step Down.

Coheed and Cambria is the shit. As well as my bro-ha Travell and A Failsafe Tragedy. Dead To You is pretty kick ass too. G'day.

Subject...

2010-01-27T17:55:00.000-05:00

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Subject...
Current mood:Angrily Motivated

Blog time! I am so sick of this cycle, where I don't do any school work, but I don't do anything more worth my time either. In fact, I'll do things I hate, like obsess over Myspace or watch tv or sleep for like forever. Then on the days i do get to work for some miraculous reason, everyone decides they need to call me or stop by my house because THEY want to avoid whatever they're supposed to be doing. While I don't mind seeing or talking to people, when I have to be hospitable and polite for an hour each before I finally get them to go away so I can work, it's like ten at night! Makes me wish I hated people...or didn't mind being rude.

Mall yesterday kicked ass, Nicki and I went to Eastview from like six to nine thirty. We took off our shoes and I started sliding one the tile (Nicki hasn't mastered it yet), ate Taco Bell while being hasseled by a crazy Chinese guy who wanted me to eat meat ::shudder::, hid belts at Spencer's where I also got hugged by some random guy because I said that ATHF is the best show ever...he also said he loved me...that makes me feel good...I love him too...an everyone else...including me, even...but especially Joe<3, We had heart attacks over PacSun's prices, randomly wandered around Hot Topic for a bit, had so much random fun in Claire's that Nicki wished she had brought her camera. I am buying hats with whatever extra money I have...in other words, I shall never own a hat. This cute T Mobile guy tried to sell me a cell phone, but I'm just not his demographic. I mean, I don't have money for a phone, I don't need an emergency one because I don't have a car, and I'm not even old enough to buy one. I felt bad for him though, so I told him i'd ask my dad. There was this awesome science stand near Build-A-Bear Workshop, and I was playing with all the things there. They had a hand boiler and then this thingy that strengthens your wrist..it was really cool, but I was the only one who could get it to work. We finally found something Nicki was looking for in New York and Company, then ran to Godiva(still in stocking feet) and stood outside the door pouting until the guy let us in so Nicki could buy a candy bar. Sweet!

Anyways, I'm rather pissed at myself (again and still) for not doing any work and slacking off all weekend, so I'm grounding myself from the computer until I'm caught up and have all of my homework done for the next school day because I've decided that while I have the fun, free-spirit side of life down, I don't have a shred of responsibility to counter-balance it, making me just a lazy, unproductive waste of life. Since my dad isn't disciplining me, only bitching at me constantly, I have to do what I did when I lived with my mom and be my own mommy. Except this time, I have to take it to the next level. My internal mommy has kept me off drugs and alcohol for quite a while and it's gotten me a job, but it has yet to make me truly responsible. I'm still fighting the unvierse, at odds with the imaginary power many people think they have and trying to establish my own way of doing things. I need to acknowledge that they can't control me with something that doesn't exist and start actually doing homework and getting ready for college. Here goes.

Home sick, if only it were alone...

2010-01-27T17:53:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Home sick, if only it were alone...
Current mood: determined
Home sick...woot woot! I slept for....13 hours, starting at 10 last night. I'm
still tired, but I feel a lil more prepared to deal with life and my dad ("how'd I know you'd be home?" Huh, maybe cuz I'm sick, you fucktard!! ::twitch
twitch::). I have to deliver my papers in like an hour, so hopefully I won't pass out mid-route. As much as I feel I shouldn't have to deliver them in my condtion (Condition? I have a cold! Wow, how much of a drama queen am I?), I'm coming to realize that this is what regular people have to do every day once they get out in the real world. This school routine crap really babys everyone and kinda leaves them unprepared for the real world. So, as much of a COMPLETE ASS my dad is being by making me take the public transit and paying for all of my aminals supplies and my lunch and...well, everything else, almost, that's how the real world is. You can't afford to eat? Should've worked harder. Didn't get that job? Should've been more prepared. With my dad making himself symbolize the real world, taking on the attitude of, "You can't do it," and making me fend for myself, I actually really feel motivated to prove him and the real world wrong. Not just to prove them wrong, but to prove to myself that I can do it and let myself know that whatever happens, I can make it. I CAN do it, and no one's going to tell me different. And, just because I'm still too spiteful to be grateful, here ya go dad:

Grounded

2010-01-27T17:50:00.000-05:00

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Grounded
So..I'm grounded for the weekend cuz i stayed home Friday from sheer exhaustion...but I'm online. How effective my father is at parenting. Just kidding, he's doing a damn good job of making sure I don't go anywhere...except he's leaving soon, so I think I'm gonna get some Chinese..mm springrolls. I have a crapload of homework to do, so it's kinda cool that I'm grounded-that means I have an excuse to not go to this family birthday party of some relatives I never talk to. Not that I don't like them, I just don't know them and they wouldn't even notice if I wasn't there-so I won't be. The defiant side of me wants to show my dad up and make him realize that he's not in control and just because I moved in with him after living with my mom for my whole life. I mean really, what makes him think the 48 out of 365 days a year I saw him gives him authority over me? It's not even his house, HE LIVES WITH HIS MOM. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that except he doesn't pay rent and is a financial burden on his mother who had to come back from retirement just to make ends meet and all. The point is, he's really not in any situation to be bossing me around like he's the shit and has done something valuable with his life, like actually take the time to be happy once in a while. God dammit, I know it's mean or whatever to feel like this, but right now I guess it keeps me from getting hurt by all the mean ass things he does. I'll work on the ego/authority complex thing later, right now I've got homework. Pce!

random picator of the day: my sis is pissed, so here ya go, Missy

Hmmm...

2010-01-27T17:44:00.002-05:00

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Hmmm...
    So....what's new with me...I can't keep it to a concise format, so I'm just going to ramble on about random things-speaking of which, all of my friends are voting me Most Random for Senior Superlatives!!! Yay!! Frank Fan's getting Most Likey to Take Over the World, although he's scared of blood, so I don't know how that's going to work...better luck with the mad scientist idea, Frank. You know what I noticed this year that is slightly gross? A lot of guys will pick at their zits in class. Okay, that's more than slightly gross, I mean what do they do with all the zit stuff they just scratched out of their faces? What if what we thought was a wad of gum stuck under the desk is really some nasty zit ball, stuck in some thick liquid form inexplicable in both the worlds of science and the supernatural? I shudder to think of what it could mutate into.
    On a less vomit-inducing topic, I bought a new turtle tank for Indira. It's 75 gallons with a stand and a new filter and my dad actually paid for it, so I'm going to be spending the rest of my youth and death paying him back for that on top of what I already owe him for my bus ticket.. Oh well, if being a vet pays as much as I hope it will, it shouldn't be a problem in...ten years. That's hilarious.But it's a huge huge HUGE tank and I can't wait until it's all set up and she's in it because she'll be sooooo much happier! She really is too big for the tank she has now and can't excercise too well in her tank, so she'll hopefully be healthier as well.
    Track doesn't start till f-n November, so I'm going to have to start running in between now and then so I don't get my fat face and skinny back. That's cool though, I missed running around the neighborhood a little. I have so much to do, I probably shouldn't be on the computer at all, but I don't care, I'll just pull an all-nighter since tomorrow's Friday and I can sleep all weekend if I have to. That's it for now though, because I really have to get back to all this crazy AP and advanced work. Luv yas!

Farm Sanctuary: The Only Place Where You Can Serve Pigs Gatorade!

2010-01-27T17:43:00.000-05:00

Monday, August 22, 2005

Farm Sanctuary: The Only Place Where You Can Serve Pigs Gatorade!
Current mood: happy
And chickens...and rabbits-wait, the rabbits get antibiotics in their water...ok, pigs and chickens then. They love the stuff, too...I wonder if it tastes like real Gatorade. The cool thing about here is you can drink all your beverages right out of the bottle/carton because you bought it and are the only one who uses it. I swear, I can't wait to move out of my house after being here, I'M FREE! I'M FREE! Sorry guys, still can't get over it.
    So today was fun!!! It was around 102 degrees the entire day and I had the afternoon shift, and I got to do hay feeds. Hay feeds are uber fun, like some sort of extreme off-roading adventure. You sit on the back of this hybrid golf cart/pick up called a mule on top of bales of hay and throw flakes of an open bale to the aminals as you're flying around over bumps and hills in the fields. Best two hours of any day ever! Plus, you feel so strong once you get the hang of loading all of those bales onto the mule (that's right, I've got some kick-ass guns now ::giggle::). It was really funny, because I'm way too proud of not falling off of the hay when we fly over bumps, so the universe took me off my high horse-err, bale today when we ran full speed over this really large but incredibly hidden bump. The bale I was sitting on actually FELL OFF the mule, taking me with it into the field of star thistle (no joke, it's the main plant out here, followed by dead grass) and onto a log, with the bale falling right on top of my legs. That really hurt the ego, but was pretty fun and YAY I still have a billion miles to walk in my Buddhist shoes because I still HAVE an ego.
    More awesomeness today, my housemate being such a kick-ass person and friend. I was really upset last night because my other housemate Kerrie had offered to take me to the Western Union to pick up my money and (or so I had thought) go to the store. We went to the Western Union and picked it up, and then went home. Even though the store was like a block away. Even though I had 4 things left:a stalk of broccoli, P.B., Vegenaise and rice noodles. I really really desperately needed food. So I freaked out major because I started worrying about starving and not being able to do my job that I love soo soo much and I want to do my best at. Marisol(the kick-ass person) was really sympathetic and gave me some Gatorade, and my friend back in Webster imed me an orange, both which really really helped. My friends rock!!! Then today, Marisol had to go to the vet in Chico to pick up Gobelle the turkey. Even though she could've probably gotten in a lot of trouble since we use the farm's van for vet trips and she was on the clock, she offered to drop me off at the store on her way there and pick me up on the way back. So I went and got groceries and thanked her and thanked her because she rocks!!!! So thank you, thank you, thank you Marisol I'd be a starving, cranky waif whining about people's bubbles of sadness if it weren't for you!!! I owe you BIG!
    So now everything is copacetic...not how you spell that, I don't think...and I am so chilling in my own lil bubble of mini-nirvana and "everything will work out"-ness and everything rox!! 'cept I miss Joe really bad...but I'll see him in about a week and a half if I'm lucky, which I might be. Plus...seeing him's going to rock even more than usual because I haven't seen him in so long. School is soon!! How much more stoked can I get!! Anywayz, I'm outties cuz I stink real bad from work and need a shower, leave love somewheres

Yay! Night Terrors!

2010-01-27T17:41:00.000-05:00

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Yay! Night Terrors!
Current mood: bouncy
    So...happy-go-lucky Nikki has crazy ass night terrors. Funny. I had thought they were just really sucky vivid nightmares, but I explained my most recent one to my roomie Marisol and she thought they might be night terrors, because they really sounded like them from this really long discussion she had in her psychology class in college (college peoples are so smart, lol). So I did a little research. At first, it didn't seem like it because everyone else's accounts of it were way more serious than mine, involving actually running through glass doors and such. But I persisted, and I found some less severe cases that sound just like what I have.
    They also happen within an hour of when you go to sleep, so I immediately ruled myself out because they always happen in the middle of the night. And then I realized that I'm always waking up, sometimes without even realizing it (people have woken me up enough for me to converse with them and everything, but I don't remember it at all later when I fully awake), and then going back to sleep. Which would explain it. Also, it would explain some very disturbing situations where I woke up in different places than where I fell asleep.
    Another thing I didn't get is I'm always happy, and one of the main causes of this is stress. One account (which I printed, because I felt it would help) mentioned how they happened when they were overworked. Even though I'm always happy, I do overwork myself all the time, so although I might not feel stressed emotionally, maybe my body is just physically exhausted and that's my body's "warning signals". It's a thought, and although it's like some horrible disorder or something, it's really comforting to know what my enemy is. So bye-bye to all my late night insomniac chats with all of my fellow insomniacs (or really dedicated gamers, but what's the diff. n e more?), I am now returning to the land of the living (hopefully!)! Love and Peace,
                           Nicole

Sleeeepyyy

2010-01-11T21:10:00.005-05:00

Friday, August 12, 2005

Sleeeepyyy
Current mood: sleepy
    This sun is killing me. I love Cali and how warm it is, but it just sucks the life out of me when I have to work in it all day. I find myself searching for water at every hose and sink, gulping down glasses upon glasses of Kool-Aid upon the moment I return home. This is the second day in a row I've fallen asleep for most of the afternoon, always accidentally and always in the living room-I even outslept my alarm this morning and woke up already late for work.
    The funniest thing happened out of all this heat exhaustion, though. I had to watch the turkeys from 9 to 12:30 today because we were integrating two that had been in isolation for about two months. This is the second day we've tried to do this, and these girls are nasty! We're supposed to let them fight a little bit to determine their "pecking order", but things got viscious! I had to pull these two turkeys apart because in the midst of their fighting, one had started to bleed all over the other one, and then all of them started to overheat so I had to give them mass amounts of water-although for a turkey, that's like a quarter of a cup. Anyways, they had started to calm down and they were all just sleeping while I was sitting on a hay bale in a corner so as not to interfere with the way they would normally do things. It was so warm and quiet in there as well as dark because we try to keep it cool by blocking out the light and the combination of all those things combined with all this heat exhaustion just made me-I must have passed out, because the next thing I knew, Jessica (one of the caretakers, in other words MY BOSS) was standing over me. What are the chances?!? The one time I EVER EVER sleep at all, let alone AT WORK, and my boss busts me! That's just so ironic, I can't help but laugh.
    Everything around here is a bit ironic, from the animal's behavior to the things we found in our house-called the Vegan House, by the way. Sometimes-actually, most of the time, my housemates and I burst out laughing at the things we find just a tad ironic around here. In all honesty, sometimes there's just such an overabundance of it that one can't help but laugh, almost to the point of hysterics.
At Farm Sanctuary, we have a no-kill policy-we won't kill flies, spiders, any being unless they clearly need to be euthanized. However, that does not stop the animals from killing things anyways. There's one male turkey here named Gobelle who actually killed another turkey, which surprised me until I had to observe the girls today. Also, there's a dog named Eva who eats flies and bees all the time. It just seems a tad ironic that all these animals we rescued from death and swear to protect even harm each other, let alone kill things. Then contrasting that with random donkey hard-ons and cows humping each other, it makes the violence seem even more out of place and even more hilarious when it happens-not that death is funny at all most of the time, but the irony of it all is just, well, laughable.
    On a lighter note that doesn't involve direct violence or death, there have been some interesting things we've found cleaning up the Vegan House, which took forever since the interns that had been here left it really disgusting-or they hadn't cleaned up after he interns before them...either way, it was a mess. A few days ago, Marisol and I were cleaning up the kitchen, when I found a can of Pork and Beans in a cabinet over the fridge. Pork and Beans! On top of that, about a week ago I was looking for an extension cord in the spare bedroom, when i found a gigantic carton of Goldfish in the closet that had been entirely consumed-the only thing inside of it was a smaller bag of colored goldfish. Then, the cherry on top, the choice of movies here. Farm Sanctuary is pretty much entirely about animal liberation, yet in our selection of movies to view, is Snow Dogs. To quote Jenna, "Why don't we just put up a big Ididarod poster in the ed room?!" Hmmm...Pork and Beans, Pepperidge Farms Goldfish, Snow Dogs, Vegan House...which one doesn't belong? The irony! It's just funny....but I'm hungry..and tired....so I'm outies...luv yas!

I just want the suffering to stop.

2010-01-10T15:36:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

I just want the suffering to stop.
Current mood: sad

I feel so helpless. Tonight was ed night at the Sanctuary, where Jenna makes all of us interns dinner (which was really good, especially the dessert) and the caretakers answer our questions, then we watch a movie. BIG MISTAKE. That movie was so sad-it was an hour of footage of animals on factory farms being beaten and abused, and all these animals actually being THROWN AWAY. Like they were freakin garbage. I knew a lot of the things that happened, but there was still a lot of stuff that horrified me that I hadn't known. And then seeing it all and not being able to do anything to help them all, it all just seems so totally hopeless.
    I know what I'm doing here is supposed to be like a huge favor to the people here and the animals, but there are so many more...how can they ever all be saved when nobody even cares? Everyone, if they even believe the animals are treated that way, says that such treatment isn't in all or even most of the farms or think I'm exaggerating...I wish I was. I wish, more than anything, that the animals were seen as beings rather than products and that the way things are is just a horrible, horrible nightmare I can't shake. Even to have that nightmare every single night for the rest of my life, it would be better than knowing that such a hell exists now and plans on existing for all time-and worse that EVERYONE IS FINE WITH IT.
    I see all of the animals here and I can't bear to think of how their lives were before they came here and what if they were back there still. It just...hurts so bad to know that I'm seen as some extreme terrorist while the "normal" people are murdering innocent brings so brutally. Ingrid Newkirk is right, this is the biggest undeclared war in the history of the world. I just don't feel like what I'm doing is enough...or maybe I am, I don't know. I just want the suffering to stop.
    Bad Buddhist! Suffering exists, it always will until you accept things. These beings are suffering horribly, but what is being sad going to do about it? You can't help animals if you can't see anything through the tears in your eyes. I can't give up or in, and I won't. I am here for them and I always will be. Those movies just always take all the reason out of me and overwhelm me with sadness...I think I'll just go cry or something and then meditate...I keep saying I'll do it, but I never do. I love you all and thank you for all your support even though I'm some crazy vegan who wants to be a veterinarian because I love children. You are the best of friends and the most understanding and I cannot wait to see you when I get home.

FREEDOM!

2010-01-10T15:16:00.000-05:00

Sunday, August 07, 2005

FREEDOM!
Current mood: calm

It is so amazing here, I have never felt so free and at peace with the universe and myself. At home, I always seemed to try to change myself to make my family happy-I always seemed to be doing everything wrong. Here and on the road, it's so different. There's nobody to tell me what to do, and everyone seems to celebrate who I am-or at least they don't try to change me. Everything just seems to be clicking together lately, like I did something amazing in a past life or something and it's finally paying off. I am just so happy all the time and I feel like this is all a dream-I mean, how could so many marvelous things happen to me all at once?
My roomies are awesome (Kinnie, Marisol, Elaine, an Kerrie i luv yas!) and everything is in such harmony-like the whole world is a symphony that finally started to play on cue. I can't even describe it!!! Well, I could, it'd just take a really long time. More later peoples, luvluv!

I am so retarded.

2010-01-10T15:14:00.000-05:00

Friday, August 05, 2005

I am so retarded.
Current mood: restless

Really I am. I got home from work and took a shower, and sometime during it Joe called, don't know how I didn't hear it. But it was from like a different number than the one he had called me from before, so for some reason I wasn't sure if he was still there, even though he had called like two minutes ago. Gah! I make myself so mad! Oh well, at least he got my letter and maybe I'll talk to him tomorrow or something.
Oh! So funny! All of my Brockport friends are so...idk what, but they heard about me and Joe and it is SO SO SO funny to read their reactions on his xanga! they're all...amazed, I guess. Matt was cool about it, to which I say Matt, you rock! I miss everyone in B-port...I hope they all go to SUNY with me or something so i can see them, lol.
Oh, right, Cali. update. I got to brush the goats! And I have a tan! Actually, I have a couple of them, one from my t-shirts I wear when I work and another from my bikini when i went swimming. I really gotta even those out...anyways, it is soo cool out here and I have to wake upt 4 in the morning but I don't care because it's Cali and animals and there's only like one thing that could make it better...actually, 2, if everything wasn't so freakin expensive! Seriously, I paid $6 for peanut butter. I'm going to be soo broke. Cool. This is so weird, I just have so much running through my head about everything-my trip, the country, California, the shelter, the people, the luck of this that I just can't stop rambling...I def. have to meditate, I'll make sure I do it in the morning cuz I'm going to bed so pce!

Report from Californ-i-a!

2010-01-10T15:12:00.001-05:00

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Report from Californ-i-a!
Current mood: cheerful

I'm in Cali now!!!! It is sooo awesome here, my house (they put me in a house!!!) has 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, a kitchen, computer room, dining room,living room, stereo (music!!!) and 300 acres of aminals to visit! The other interns left it kinda messy, but I kinda like to clean and I get to room with four awesome chicks who are interning here too. Plus I have a huge closet, which is really cool cuz for some reason my room at home doesn't have one.

There's a resident cat that lives here named Turtle, so we're like here house guests or something. ::shrugs:: She's SOO cute though! I got to do hay feeds and health checks yesterday and today's my day off. It's weird, I feel so useless, all I'm doing is sitting around on the computer...and I went swimming. Swimming! In Cali! Sorry, still haven't gotten over it. What luck! Here's some pics of the aminals here:umm, i have to get permission to use them, so...it'll be a bit

Today Was A Party

2010-01-10T15:11:00.000-05:00

Monday, July 25, 2005

Today was a party :-)
Current mood: content

I was freaking out a lil this morning cuz I had so much to do and hardly n e time to do it, but everything was done just in time like it always is. You'd think after an entire lifetime of seeing how things always work out in the end, I'd learn to chill. Oh well, that's what meditating's for ! Jet on Cowboy Bebop (©♥♥♥) said in one session that life teaches us lessons, we forget them, then it teaches them to us again. I know it's just a show, but I think Watanabe's on to something with that. Anyways, the party my family threw me was pretty awesome. I had only four days to invite people, but plenty of them showed up and, even with a TON of drama, I really feel good right now. I got to help my sister, see a bunch of my friends and bond with my kindred spirit-ooo, and I got to dance an play in the rain as well as my neighbor's sprinkler!!! I love the rain...peace and love

I am a Freak!

2010-01-10T15:08:00.000-05:00

And thus, I am posting all of my posts from Myspace here, in chronological order!
Friday, July 22, 2005

YAY! LIFE ROX!
Current mood: happy

First blog...figured I should probably make one since it's like the point of this site. Leaving for Cali soon, hope I can see Joe before I leave, otherwise I won't be able to see him at all until September. Devil's Rejects comes out today-I don't have any money, so I can't watch it...or can I? Missy and I are hoping Frank will take us. I have soo much cleaning to do for Sunday, my dad and Missy are throwing me a going away party and my room is a mess! Well, for my room n e wayz...well, Frank's here, so I gtg, pce out ppls

New Blog!

2010-01-10T01:11:00.000-05:00

It feels so good to stretch my blogging outside of Myspace! Hallo, blog world!